YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

911 operator: 911 the location of your emergency?
Caller: 12345 I live in a rich, gated community where nothing bad happens. I think our neighbors are having really loud sex, watching a porno movie too loudly or someone is dying in their house
911 operator: Why is that, ma'am (another term for fun ruiner)
Caller: Because the house has all the windows open, they are making noises like I have never heard before (shock) and there is a crowd gathering outside their house
911 operator: And you want the police to do what.........
Caller: Come over and make them stop!

And this is what we call, "Copus Interruptus"

Needless to say, no trouble getting any officers to respond to this call


911 operator: 911 the location of your emergency
Caller/idiot: Yeah, I have been off "crack" for 8 years and fell off the wagon tonight so I drove down to Brightmoor (Detroit's loveliest suburb) and went to a "crack" house to get "high"
911 operator: (snoring yet half conscious because this sounds like it may get interesting) OK
Caller/idiot: So like I traded my car for the drugs and then after I did the drugs I decided I liked my car and then like I got in to drive away and dope man got in the back seat to stop me
911 operator: OK
Caller/huge idiot: So I drove home to my house where my wife and six kids are sleeping and I am sitting in the driveway with the dope man in my back seat and he won't get out
911 operator: Are you )$(&%*#&*% kidding me?!
Caller/moron: What.........
911 operator: You drove home with this dreg of society to your house where your innocent family is sleeping and now you want the police to come out and get him out of your car.....
Caller: Yeah.......
911 operator: Drive him up to the police station.......

And he did.....and the dope man actually stayed in the car and went for a ride.....two of them
There should be licensing for procreating.........

A typical day in the life of a mom...........

Four kids! All different ages, personalities, complaints, issues, etc. How do we keep it all straight and not lose our minds!?! I have a son graduating (I hope) next week from high school with MAJOR senioritis (which I have contracted) and I am holding my breath until the diploma reaches his hands. The threats that one particular teacher has, that your kid has never meshed with since day one, that he holds the power not to pass him and he will have to earn his GED. HOW DO YOU EVEN GET A GED? COME ON! MY KID GOT A 30 ON HIS ACT! NO PROBLEM IN ANY OTHER CLASS EVER!! WHY DOES THERE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ONE HEMORRHOID IN THEIR EDUCATION!? I am a firm believer that some teachers have absolutely no business in teaching, and it scares me that they are with our children the amount of time they are. But my son has been lucky enough in high school to have some of the most amazing teachers I have ever seen in my life and it makes me wish I were young enough to go to this high school (but we can never go back). My other two angels have another long week of school after this week. To boot, I had the pleasure of bringing my daughter's culture project up to her school today because it was too much to carry on the bus.....ever try to carry a large poster board, a 40lb box of Mexican cookies and a bag of tamales all while chasing your 2-year-old who runs off on you in a rain storm! It ain't pretty!! And today, you could wear the air it is so humid!! Then I have to run in very quickly to grab literally one item at the grocery store and meet the oldest (and nicest) man on the planet who just wants someone to talk to. So I listen to him for 45 minutes.........it made me realize that we need to slow down and just listen. You can learn a lot....he was right, everyone is in such a hurry today and it is making everyone so angry and stressed. We all need to slow down and just be grateful for our children, for our health, for our neighbors, for our family, for our friends, for our schools and teachers (the good ones), for peace, for watching out for one another....for taking time to listen to a lonely old, sweet man

Thanks For Adding Me To The Gene Pool Mom

The other day while I was riding in the car with my mom, I asked her "what good parts of you did I inherit"? She laughed, and really could not come up with much, then blamed all the bad things on my dad. I rebuttal with Dad doesn't have a flat chest, spider veins, panic attacks, a bad smoking habit, cellulite under his rear, thinning hair and an excessive spending habit. So what good things did I inherit from my mom? The ability to practice patience, love, understanding, and humility, all the ingredients for a good mom. Thanks for adding me to the gene pool ......

My Birthday

Thanks for diming me out Lisa! Just kidding, thanks for thinking of me on my birthday! When I was a child, I always laughed at my mom and her friends when they would lie about their ages. I thought "how silly, what is the big deal." So, here I sit today on my birthday wondering where in the Hell all the years have gone. I can honestly say I stopped counting at thirty and child number three. Today when my husband asked me how old I was, I actually had to stop and think for a minute. Thoughts constantly run through my mind like "I am not old enough to be the mother of a child who will be driving in two years" (what a scary thought). I am sure every mother feels the same way when one day they are changing their babies diapers and then they turn around and they are handing the keys to the car over to that same child. I guess there are two ways I look at it, either I am one foot closer to the grave or this is God's idea of a very, very bad joke. Anyway, it was a nice birthday. The kids managed only to get into two screaming matches today. In honor of my birthday they were on their best behavior. My mom (who will always be older than me) made me a lovely dinner. My husband let me cook him breakfast, eggs and sausage. And everyone got to eat ice cream and cake until they exploded! Thanks again Lisa - You truly are my best friend!

Happy Birthday, Lib!

Hope you have a beautiful day! Love you :)

Popping With Grace

Today grace (the 2 year-old) and myself went popping (that's what she calls it because she is unable to say shopping). Anyway, I am beginning to think my husband and I are in big trouble when she gets older. We went to Kohl's because we had a 15% coupon and it is a Kohl's cash weekend (If you have a Kohl's by you and you do not shop there I highly recommend it). She really wanted a pair of flip-flops so we went into the shoe isle. She was sitting in the Kohl's stroller/shopping cart in the narrow isle while I looked at shoes. In the 3 minutes I had my back turned on her while I was looking at shoes she managed (and I am not exaggerating) to pull 25 boxes off the shoe racks, put a pair of shoes on, and then put her shoes back in the box and put it back on the shelf. I was horrified. Not only did she make a complete mess of the isle, she had put her shoes amongst the other 300 boxes and I had no idea which box they were in. I summoned a sales associate and explained my predicament to her and she was kind enough to help. After 10 minutes we finally found her shoes. Out of embarrassment, I quickly made my way to the register, checked the cart for anything she might have stuffed in the stroller while I was not looking and paid for our merchandise. As we walked out the door, I said a little prayer that the security sensors would not go off and in the back of my mind hoping we would not be tackled by loss prevention as we walked out the door. We made it safely to our car and drove home. Isn't being a mother fun?

HILLBILLY ONSTAR

My neighbor called me early this morning in a panic because she was lost on her way to accompany her daughter on a field trip to Upland Hills Farm (oh yeah, all moms love those trips). The school buses darted in and out ahead through traffic, most likely knowing there were moms in mini vans frantically trying to keep up, and what a fun game this was, all the while laughing an evil laugh to themselves. I jumped on my computer and guided her, with the help of Google Maps, straight to her destination. I am now calling myself, "Hillbilly Onstar" and another day was conquered with evil bus drivers.

A Tip For Potty Training That Might Work For You and Your Child

As mentioned before, we recently started potty training our 2 year-old Grace. We were soooo sick of changing diapers and the enormous cost of diapers (both of us have been doing it for the last 13 years being that we have 5 kids ranging in age from 13-2). Anyway, I was really dreading starting potty training with Grace because every time we approached the subject she would flip out and start crying then go hide in a corner and poop in her diaper as if we didn't know what she was doing). So one day I had a bright idea. Every child has something they really, really cannot live without. For Grace it was Jon & Kate plus 8 (which we watch at least 15 times a day, I don't have the heart to tell her they are probably going to be divorced within the next year), Babie Dolls, and Barbies. We were rolling around playing on the floor and I asked her if she was ready to go potty in the big person toilet. She of course replied no and went into a tizzy. Then I told her if she went poop and pee in the toilet Mom and Dad would throw her a big Barbie party. I told her we would have cupcakes, and Barbie hats, and we would by her a Barbie doll. Within 5 minutes of me telling her this she went up to her potty and sat there for about 45 minutes trying her hardest to poop. No matter what we said, she would not coming off that potty until she went. My husband finally gave up and told me the hostage negotiations was a failure and I had to reason with her before she had a stroke from pushing too hard. Anyway, she did not end up going on the potty that night but the next day, first thing in the morning, she went and has been going ever since. True to our word, we threw a Barbie party and the rest is history. If you have any advice, we would love to hear how you got your little one out of diapers. Click on this link potty training for more useful tips.

A Thing My Mom Never Told Me

We recently started potty training our youngest child (Grace the two year-old) and it is going quite well. She goes into the bathroom to use the toilet and privacy is a huge issue with her. The door must be shut and we must not interrupt her while she is doing her business (which is usually unrolling all the toilet paper and singing to herself). If we happen to check in on her all Hell breaks loss and it is the beginning of the apocalypse in our household. This got me thinking, how is it that everyone else in my home can use the toilet undisturbed and I cannot. Since when did my privacy in the bathroom become a privilege that I only get during nap-time or the middle of the night when nature so rudely wakes me from my sleep (and at the point I am too tired to enjoy the privacy anyway). I cannot honestly remember the last time I was able to go to the bathroom in my house without the kids asking questions through the door or having to break up fights while I am sitting on the porcelain goddess. I know what you are thinking, "Why don't you just lock the door" right? I tried that and Grace just sits outside the door crying because she cannot come in. I have resorted to just disgusting my entire family and not even bothering to close the door. This leads my to my second question, how come my husband gets to poop in peace? He is in and out of the bathroom three to four times a day taking his book and spending hours on end doing God knows what in there (I really don't want to know what he is doing in there - I personally don't get the fascination with smelling your body waste while you read a book). However, I have really come to resent that fact that nobody bothers him while he is on his throne and he feels he is entitled to such things. Why don't the kids start beating each other up or why doesn't Grace go in there and ask him a million questions like "what are you doing? Are you pooping?" "Let me brush your hair mommy," "Can I sit on your lap." Lisa (the other group home director) says she goes to work just to use the restroom by herself. Why did my mother never tell me it was going to be this way ...... Would love to hear if anyone else has the same problem.

Only in Warren Part II

Alleged Clothing Crooks Strike Warren

Robbers Striking During The Day

POSTED: Wednesday, April 8, 2009

UPDATED: 9:02 am EDT April 9, 2009

WARREN, Mich. -- A duo of robbers on the loose in one metro Detroit community is not only after wallets and cash, but also their victims' clothing.In one 911 call, a 16-year-old boy says he's just been robbed while walking by Altermatt Park in Warren."Yes, and they took my pants," the victim told the operator. "He had long hair and said I can't look at his face or he'll kill me."The teen tells the operator he was instructed to strip down behind a playscape in the park before the thief took off with his pants, shirt and cell phone. The teen also said the man had a short knife.Police said they believe five people have been targeted by the robbers, but not all five of them have been forced to hand over their pants. Police said the commonality between all of the incidents were that the victims were all simply walking in Warren during the day."This appears to be a recent phenomenon," said Warren police Detective Mark Christian. Christian said he's never heard of thieves swiping pants but has an idea why."The pants are being taken, we believe, to either prevent the victim from pursuing the suspects once the robberies occur, or to simply further embarrass the victim," he said.Police said the thieves don't seem to be targeting their victims based on the type of pants they are wearing.Christian said Tuesday was the last reported incident where a robbery victim had his pants taken, too.

Copyright 2009 by ClickOnDetroit.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Only in Warren, Michigan

This is a little segment I like to call " Only in Warren, MI". We fear this just might put good ole' Chief of Police Bill Dwyer over the edge.

Shocked in the stuffing: Mich. police Taser toy cougar after 911 report of beast prowling park

By Associated Press

2:44 PM CDT, May 15, 2009


WARREN, Mich. (AP) — The fluff was flying when police in suburban Detroit zapped a large stuffed cat with a stun gun while responding to an emergency call about a cougar on the loose.A 911 caller reported seeing what looked like a cougar inside a piece of discarded drain pipe in Warren. Police zapped the cat with an electronic weapon on Monday, but they wound up with a bunch of fluff.The Detroit Free Press reports the stuffed animal was apparently placed in the pipe as a hoax. The Macomb Daily of Mount Clemens reports the caller said it was a 150-pound cat.About 10 officers responded to the cat call. Warren Police Commissioner William Dwyer says the department is "out there to keep the community safe."

The Rabbit

Although the only thing my son's little floppy eared rabbit does is eat, then eat some more, the poop and poop some more, I have decided that she is the only living thing I really like in my house today - Is that so wrong?